Embracing Role as Conscience, Clinton Hits Persuasion Circuit
Bill Clinton materializes on the shoulder of an ethically-conflicted vigilante. He offered a detailed and spirited defense of sparing his foe’s life. “The test is not whether you think everything’s hunky-dory, it’s whether stooping to the colonel’s level will bring your family back,” Mr. Clinton said.
Unsolved Mysteries:
Chinese Leader’s Long Absence Stokes Rumor Mills
A newspaper ran a photograph on Monday of Xi Jinping, center, hours before his mysterious disappearance.
POPE RESIGNS, IS LAUNCHED TO POPE MOON COLONY
Lack of Colony Upkeep, Questions Around Existence of God Pose Challenges
Pope Benedict XVI tests his Pope-Thrusters before liftoff. “To Heaven!” said Franco Camaldo, a papal aide.
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ROMNEY LAUNCHES 2016 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, HAS YET TO MASTER HUMAN “HAND-SHAKING”
Voters of the Future: Ohio residents back away as Mitt Romney, who launched his 2016 presidential bid today, approaches.
AFTERMATH OF HURRICANE SANDY:
Sailing the Dog
Jill Frisard motored along on her raft of animal cages in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.
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ALSO:
You can give $10 to the American Red Cross by texting “redcross” to 90999. They’ll ask you to confirm and you just text back “Yes”. Super simple. You can also sign up for volunteer shifts here. Hope everyone out there’s doing okay.
DEBATE NEWS:
Alternate Reality Debate Fails to Produce Clear Sacrificial Candidate
Photo: Mitt Romney, left and Barack Obama, both of the Birdlord Parallel Universe, debate why they would make the ideal virgin sacrifice for their Bird Overlords
Hello all!
I wanted to let you know that the website I’ve been working on for the past 4 months launches in a mere hours 15 hours from now! It’s called Thing X, and the staff is a bunch of great, hilarious idiots, most of whom used to work for The Onion. I’m as proud as a proud father who spent the last four months building his baby. Here’s what Splitsider and Gizmodo make of it.
Come on by! Meet the Staff. Register for access to Extra Special Content™. Weigh the cons and pros of the national increase in bear mating that we’ve caused, see if you might be eligible for a settlement from using the site, follow us on tumblr and as we live-tweet the debate tonight! And most importantly, keep giving us your precious, precious clicks.
Doodled-on newspaper pictures will return tomorrow.
Smooches all around,
Sascha
VP Debate: A look back at the real power behind Paul Ryan
Ryan’s Son Vows to Deliver Country From Evil
Threats to voters “Ensorcelled” by Obama
Photo: Charlie, Paul D. Ryan’s son, celebrates onstage after Mr. Romney accepted the Republican nomination
Ahmadinejad at it again:
Summit Meeting in Iran Disrupted by Unauthorized Boombox
Sting, LMFAO and Linkin Park, Plus Virulent Racism, Catch Hosts Off Guard
Photo: President Mohamed Morsi of Egypt, right speaking on Thursday in Tehran with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, center, causing a characteristic disruption
ROMNEY REVEALED:
Dissecting Romney’s Dickish Beginnings at Stanford
Mitt Romney in 1966, protesting against other students at Stanford University who were upset with his unrelenting, tone-deaf lack of empathy. Mr. Romney spent one year at Stanford.
White-Out News Is Back!
Romney tries to appeal to yokel voters he offended with his 47% comments:
ROMNEY AND WIFE DON HUGE PANTS AFTER REQUESTS
Wife Gives a Spirited Address — ‘We Are One Big Fat Man’
Photo: Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, joins him in a pair of novelty-sized pants to highlight Romney’s ‘Zany sense of humor’.
White-Out news returns very soon!
In the meantime, please enjoy this poem by Gary Oldman, courtesy of Literary Magazine and White-Out News supporter Pendulous Breasts Quarterly
DNA TEST REVEALS CONJOINED TWINS
With DNA Testing, Suddenly They Are One Person, Basically
Khrys Vaughan, left, of the same body as Jennifer Grigsby, after a DNA test revealed that they are conjoined twins.
OBAMA TAKES BUDDY BURGER CHALLENGE
Bonding Over One Giant Burger
After trade talks, two presidents, with sides of fries and onlookers, enjoyed lunch at Ray’s Hell Burger in Arlington, Va.
The Beard/Moustache Vote:
Romney and Santorum Tune Up Their Shaves for Beard/’Stache Votes
top image: Moustaches - An audience at an American Moustache Club in Westerville, Ohio on Monday heard Rick Santorum’s appeal for support.
bottom image: Beards - Employees at Goatee Industries in Canton, Ohio, got a visit from Mitt Romney on the eve of Super Tuesday
